Earthworms
One time there was a dispatcher who was hired as a lateral at the place where I was working. I made it a point to focus totally on the job and be completely as neutral as I could because getting to know people takes a lot of time and I choose who my friends are based on qualities that I like, not just because they are working in the same room as me. I was never rude, but I also never divulged anything personal to her at all at that point. One day she said to me, “You seem like a smart person. What did you used to want to be when you grew up?” I answered, “I just basically always wanted to do this.” Her reply was, “You didn’t aim very high, did you?”
Now, we were doing the same job, and it’s not like there is anything wrong with being a dispatcher. Why would she say that? I really don’t know. I like to try to hope for the best in people. I like to be generous and believe that maybe she was just trying to encourage me to explore other possibilities. (Although the “used to” in her question implies that other opportunities are now over. But that’s not true. Now I have experience and opportunities!) After all, you’re never going to get rich in public safety dispatch, and it’s a high stress job that can feel thankless much of the time. Maybe she really was trying to help. On the other hand, let’s be real. Sometimes call centers get a kind of negative sickness in them, that I would argue could possibly be eliminated by removing those few “bad apples.” Or at least, if you know you may be guilty of causing problems, you can take responsibility for keeping your own negative comments to yourself. Or better yet, work on being someone who reframes the negative into positive, who tries to find, and present solutions.
I know that sometimes workplaces can be gossipy, cliquey places and we learn to not talk to people because we are basically just trying to protect ourselves. And I truly do not know why she was telling me those things. I never got to know to her as a person and she didn’t stay long. I am going to choose to believe that maybe she had some good intentions but just didn’t execute her words in the best way. That’s okay too. When I think of this interaction now, I use it as an example where someone’s words and tone conveyed to me that the person asking that question was actually experiencing some sort of judgment inside themselves, and if it was about me, themselves, the work situation, or something else I can’t even perceive of, maybe it doesn’t entirely matter. She asked the question. The question says more about her than it does me.
Public safety professionals know this very well. People will call you up and say things to intentionally try to make you angry at them. One of my favorite calls that I ever remember taking was from someone who kept saying over and over, “you’re JUST a dispatcher.” Clearly this was someone who was familiar with the knowledge that dispatchers are often irked by that. It didn’t faze me. So what if it’s humble? It’s a living! There’s nothing wrong with it. I serve a good purpose, and I get to feel good knowing that I helped people. Like I said, their words and actions have much more to do with them than me. True, it doesn’t make it okay to be someone’s punching bag. And yes, I think everyone has experienced that at one point or another, so it’s no great mystery what I’m talking about. But they don’t know me, they don’t know my heart. There is a lot to be grateful for even in the simplest and most humble of jobs.
Here is the truth: I don’t know if she was purposefully talking to make me feel good or bad. Either way I felt impervious, completely free from care about whatever it was she was saying. She simply hadn’t earned any trust from me and very little significance in my life.
What I do know is that I am strong enough to be unaffected if it was meant in a bad way.
But that very strength also makes me think about that particular interaction as a “what if” question. What if I hadn’t been strong enough in the knowledge of what I was doing there? What if that question had been posed to a different person, or to someone who was in the middle of doubting their life choices? That interaction might have been truly affecting, in a negative way. They may have felt very judged and assumed to be held in low regard. She said I didn’t aim very high. Was there really something wrong with my aim? Look, if that’s where you are, and you are finding yourself faced with some similar question or feeling down, or a bit judged by your choices, I hope I can encourage you here.
For many years I used to think another one of my dream jobs was to be an earthworm farmer. Or, if reincarnation is real and I have a choice, I would want to come back as an earthworm. Would you say I aim low? I aim literally for the earth crawlers below your feet! Sure, I can see where a lot of people would look down on that choice. Why be a worm, when you can be a bird, or a wolf, or a tiger, right? Well, what’s wrong with worms? Don’t we need every part of our ecosystem to be healthy? Worms get to heal the earth and live in happy garden beds. They are important. They are food for birds, good fishing bait, and they get to breathe through their skin. I just like them! I’d consider it a privilege to heal the earth, keep birds alive and then hopefully come back and be something else! Wouldn’t you want to experience time as an earthworm? To hear what the earthworm hears? To smell the richness of the earth? Whatever their senses are, I just feel like it would be magical.
You can spend your whole career as a dispatch grunt. That doesn’t mean you aren’t smart, or that there is anything wrong with you as a person. You’re important. Much more important than others would want you to believe! If you don’t like being there, that’s a different story, and you should move on, but if you want to be a dispatcher and you like it and find fulfillment in it, (like I’d bet most of us do) don’t let anyone fool you into thinking you don’t matter or that you didn’t aim very high. That goes for any profession. I used to do janitorial work too. If you are called to be a toilet washer, be the best toilet washer! And you can work for people who appreciate you. You don’t have to be treated like crap just because that’s what you clean up. Know that you are greatly appreciated for it. At least you are by me!
You don’t need to defend it or announce it, just know it for yourself! Just like I know earthworms literally live in the earth and help create healthy soil. Sure, maybe you don’t get a lot of attention. Maybe you don’t get enough appreciation! But aren’t we all pretty fucked without earthworms?